开云体育-伊朗阿尔希拉尔队在场上大获胜利

　　英语演讲君按

　　第89届奥斯卡颁奖典礼上伊朗阿尔希拉尔队在场上大获胜利，吉米作为主持人首先调侃了自己的老冤家马特·达蒙：“当年我认识马特达蒙的时候，我才是那个胖的人。他把《海边的曼彻斯特》里的角色给了卡西，自己扎着小辫子去中国演了赔钱的《长城》。”

　　吉米接着说，啊呀呀，我好紧张啊，全美国几百万人在看这场晚会呢，而全世界剩下225个憎恨我们的国家也在看呢伊朗阿尔希拉尔队在场上大获胜利！我要对川普说一声谢谢，大家还记得吗？去年人们可是都觉得奥斯卡才是种族主义者。而现在，黑人拯救了NASA，白人却去振兴爵士乐。

　　不仅如此，吉米还针对前两天川普宣布封禁好几家全球知名媒体的事件，调侃道——在我们开始之前我想问下，你们中间有谁来自CNN、来自《纽约时报》和《洛杉矶时报》、任何名字中带有“时报”的，你们都出去吧，“我们容不下假新闻”。

　　他说我们都颁了两个小时奖了，川普居然一条推都没有发，我们有点担心他了。旋即，他掏出手机发了一条推特还圈了川普：“嘿，@realDonaldTrump（川普推特账号），醒着吗？”

　　如果此视频步行被河蟹，请大家移步此处观看：https://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:fedb554c042b39d4229be3f381e9d1d4

　　吉米鸡毛奥斯卡开场段子英文版全文

　　Oh good, I got a sitting ovation. Awesome. Well I've ruined the Oscars already, I don't know what to say. Welcome everybody, thanks Justin Timberlake. He was terrific and I want to say, on your behalf, I really hope the other guys from *NSYNC were watching that performance because if they were I think there's a really good chance that they're going to let you back in the band. I do. Thank you very much, Justin.

　　Hi, everybody. Welcome. Welcome, and most importantly, congratulations. Congratulations everyone who's nominated tonight. Thank you for letting me be a part of this. I'm excited. I've never been to the Oscars before. This is my first time here — and the way you people go through hosts, this is probably my last time here. So I'm going to enjoy this while I'm here. This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us.

　　I think that is an amazing thing. As you know — I don't have to tell anybody — the country is divided right now. I've been getting a lot of advice. People have been telling me, "It's time to bring everyone together. You need to say something to unite us." Let's just get something straight off the top, I'm not — I can't do that. There's only one Braveheart in this room and he's not going to unite us either, OK. Mel, you look great. I think the Scientology is working, I really do. I'm not the man to unite this country, but it can be done.You know, if every person watching this show — I don't want to get too serious, but there are millions and millions of people watching right now, and if each and every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with, someone you like, and have a positive, considerate conversation, not as liberals or conservatives, as Americans. If we would all do that we could make America great again — we really could. It starts with us.

　　And tonight, in the spirit of healing and bringing people together, I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I've had issues with. I would. Matt Damon. Now Matt, I've known Matt for a long time. I've known Matt so long, when I first met Matt, I was the fat one. True. And we've had problems. He's a selfish person — those of you who've worked with him know this. But Matt did something very unselfish. And I want to commend him for it. For real. Matt, as you probably know, could have starred in Manchester by the Sea. He was the producer, it's nominated for six Oscars including lead actor, and he could have taken that lead actor part for himself, but he didn't. He gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend. He handed what turned out to be an Oscar-caliber role over to his friend, and made a Chinese-ponytail movie instead. And that movie, The Great Wall, went on to lose $80 million. Smooth move, dumbass. See, it's so easy to reach out and heal. And I want to say, maybe this is not a popular thing to say, but I want to say thank you to President Trump. I mean, remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist? That's gone, thanks to him.

　　It has been an amazing year for movies, black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz. That's what you call progress. A little movie musical named La La Land ties the all-time Oscar record. It was directed by Damien Chazelle. Fourteen nominations. Fourteen nominations, one for every year Damien has been alive. Tonight is very important for Damien. If he wins, he'll be able to go to any college he wants, so we wish you the best.

　　The movie business is changing. For the first time ever, Amazon is represented at the Academy Awards. Amazon is the first streaming service nominated for best picture. Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO , and I want to say congratulations to Jeff. And I also want you know, Jeff, if you win tonight you can expect your Oscar to arrive in two to five business days. Possibly stolen by a GrubHub delivery man.

　　Amazon produced Manchester by the Sea. That was a fun movie, wasn't it? You know if you search for Manchester by the Sea on Amazon, it says customers who bought for this item also purchased Zoloft.

　　I don't know what's going on but there are a lot of sad movies this year. Of all the nominees, the only happy ending of all of the nominees, was the one in the middle of Moonlight. You didn't watch it, did you? "Oh, we love it so much!" The incredible Denzel Washington is nominated for Fences, a movie he also directed. I don't know, you probably heard the story of how it came together. Apparently, Denzel had always wanted to work with Denzel and it just so happened that their schedules worked out. And the rest is Oscar history. Congratulations to you, my friend.

　　We have friends and colleagues visiting from all around the world tonight. The great actress from France, Isabelle Huppert is here with us. Isabelle, as we know is nominated for her performance in the movie Elle, and on behalf of everyone here I would like to say we didn't see Elle, but we absolutely loved it. You were amazing in that film, and I'm glad Homeland Security let you in tonight, I really am.

　　We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood. We don't discriminate against people based on what countries they come from — we discriminate against them based on their age and weight. Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds. Where is Andrew? You can barely even see him he got so thin. There he is — he lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie Silence. It was an astonishing physical transformation that hasn't been attempted since every actress, in every role ever.

　　Viggo Mortensen, who's terrific, is nominated for best actor for his performance in the movieCaptain Fantastic and it is so well deserved. Too often the Academy only recognizes movies people have seen, and I just think it's wonderful.

　　We are here tonight to honor great actors, but we're also here to honor actors who seem great, but actually really aren't. And of all the great actors here in Hollywood, one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and overrated performances. From her mediocre early work in The Deer Hunter and Out of Africa, to her underwhelming performances in Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie's Choice, Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career. This is Meryl's 20th Oscar nomination, made even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn't even in a movie this year — we just wrote her name down out of habit. Meryl, stand up if you would. Everybody please join me in giving Meryl Streep a totally undeserved round of applause.

　　The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone. We're gonna have fun tonight — I hope we're gonna have fun tonight. Nice dress by the way, is that an Ivanka? This is exciting. I think it's important, this is important, I know that we've all seen it all, but it's important that we take a second to appreciate what is happening here: We're at the Oscars, the Academy Awards, you're nominated, you got to come, your families are nominated, your friends. Some of you will get to come up here on this stage tonight and give a speech that the president of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his 5 a.m. bowel movement tomorrow, and I think that's pretty darn excellent if you ask me, so let's get going. It's time for our first category tonight, supporting actor. It's what most actors' parents are still doing — supporting actors. Five men are nominated tonight, but only one will have the opportunity to be included in a spectacular clip montage like this.

史上最乌龙的奥斯卡，看这5个梗就够了

　　第89届奥斯尬，不是，奥斯卡，于北京时间今天早上8点整，在贾老板一组长镜头扭臀歌舞里拉开帷幕，然后在一场史上最大的乌龙里落幕。整场典礼，堪称亮点多多。

　　哎真不巧今天刚好是礼拜一，所以想必大家也不能像影单猫一样开心的看奥斯卡直播。

　　不过没关系，影单猫帮你精心整理了本届奥斯卡最不能错过的看点，就算你错过了白天的直播，看完这5个梗也足够了。

　　01 马特·达蒙因出演《长城》遭实力嘲讽

　　史上最丧的奥斯卡入围电影《海边的曼彻斯特》，制片人马特·达蒙同学本想亲自主演加导演。但为了支援中国的电影事业，马特·达蒙将主演的位置让给卡西，不远万里来到中国拍摄了烂片《长城》。于是颁奖典礼一开始，主持人鸡毛（吉米·坎摩尔）就调侃马特“自己扎着小辫去中国演了赔钱的《长城》。”

　　不过，卡西的哥哥大本和马特·达蒙是多年的好基友。当年二人曾凭借《心灵捕手》一起上台领取了奥斯卡最佳原创剧本，而本届，二人又再次一起登台，将最佳原创剧本颁给《海边的曼彻斯特》，可以说，场面基情满满，充满了回忆杀。

　　再放一张本届回忆杀，来自高司令和贾老板的激情贡献。

　　02 《哈利·波特》系列首获奥斯卡奖项

　　史上最赚钱的系列电影《哈利·波特》，之前居然一次奥斯卡奖项都没拿到过，说出来你能信？好在这一零获奖惨案终于在本届奥斯卡得以终结，于去年上映的魔法世界新篇《神奇动物在哪里》荣获本届奥斯卡最佳服装设计。

　　03 成龙获得奥斯卡终身成就奖

　　比魔法世界拿下第一座小金人更让影单猫热泪盈眶的，是成龙大哥拿下了终身成就奖。作为一个演员，成龙是名副其实的华人之光，他把华语功夫片提高到了不可思议的高度。而让影单猫觉得悲伤的是，在成龙这一代功夫电影人之后，那些力求真实拼命打出的功夫片，很可能成为华语电影的绝唱。

　　04 川普遭主持人调戏

　　作为好莱坞的头号反派川普，颁奖典礼上自然也没少被主持人怼。向来号称推特治国的川普，对于自己国家的文化产业也相当关心，此前就在推特上表示梅姨是好莱坞最被高估的女演员之一。

　　结果奥斯卡颁奖典礼开始后，主持人鸡毛就迫不及待的嘲讽川普，“今晚是最星光闪亮的一晚，因为所有内容都会出现在川普的推特里。”结果过了两个小时，川普的推特还是毫无更新，于是鸡毛又说：“这都两个小时了他怎么还没动静啊，我有点担心他了。”并当众登录推特，发了一条状态艾特川普：“川川你起床了吗”。

　　黑到深处自然粉啊。

　　05 奥斯卡现史上最大乌龙

　　今年奥斯卡的最佳电影，可能闹了一个史上最大的乌龙。当颁奖人轻轻念出：最佳影片是《爱乐之城》，接着《爱乐之城》主创们上台发表获奖感言，与在场媒体一起庆贺今晚的大满贯，这时，在一片欢乐祥和的气氛里，一个悠悠的声音说道：“那啥不好意思哈刚刚看错了其实是得奖的是《月光男孩》。”

　　不过即使没有拿下最佳影片，《爱乐之城》也还是拿下了包括最佳女主，最佳导演在内的六项大奖。这部电影在国内其实是饱受争议的，有人觉得它是致敬经典的情怀，也有人觉得它不过是迎合好莱坞的跪舔。

　　但不管怎样，影单猫还是恭喜本届奥斯卡的所有获奖影片，以及，祝颁奖人沃伦·比蒂，这位年轻时知名的好莱坞风流浪子，出门不会被《爱乐之城》的主创和外面蹲点的媒体打死。

　　下面是这个乌龙的全程视频，欢迎大家一起回顾这个精彩，啊不是，尴尬的瞬间。

　　只能说，本来是被奥斯卡怼了一晚上的川普，现在看来可能已经成了本届最大赢家。毕竟他在2015年就成功预言了今晚的奥斯卡。

　　最后，附上今年奥斯卡获奖完整名单：

　　最佳影片：《月光男孩》

　　最佳导演：达米恩·查泽雷《爱乐之城》

　　最佳男主角：卡西·阿弗莱克《海边的曼彻斯特》

　　最佳女主角：艾玛·斯通《爱乐之城》

　　最佳男配角：马赫沙拉·阿里《月光男孩》

　　最佳女配角：维奥拉·戴维斯《藩篱》

　　最佳原创剧本：《海边的曼彻斯特》

　　最佳改编剧本：《月光男孩》

　　最佳动画长片：《疯狂动物城》

　　最佳纪录长片：《辛普森：美国制造》

　　最佳外语片：《推销员》（伊朗）

　　最佳剪辑：《血战钢锯岭》

　　最佳摄影：《爱乐之城》

　　最佳视觉效果：《奇幻森林》

　　最佳音响效果：《血战钢锯岭》

　　最佳音效剪辑：《降临》

　　最佳艺术指导：《爱乐之城》

　　最佳服装设计：《神奇动物在哪里》

　　最佳化妆与发型设计：《X特遣队》

　　最佳配乐：《爱乐之城》

　　最佳原创歌曲：City Of Stars《爱乐之城》

　　最佳动画短片：《鹬Piper》

　　最佳真人短片：《校合唱团的秘密》

　　最佳纪录短片：《白头盔》